Booze and Schmooze

Last night I had an Editorial Board Meeting for work. Which was rather dull. But short at the same time. When I first arrived I met with my coworker in the lobby and we went to get a drink at the bar. Shortly after ordering our boss, and her boss, walked up to us. Awkward looks exchanged between my coworker and I. Caught drinking before a meeting. Oops.


After the meeting was a reception that had an open bar (not just wine and beer as I had feared), and some pretty amazing food. So we continued to drink, and occasionally talk to an editor or someone like that. It was primarily like a fancy party. The food was so good I wish I had stolen some to take home and eat today.

I am having the hardest time getting out of bed this morning. Ugh... I guess I need to finally get up and get ready. I wish I could just lay in bed all day, and watch movies. So relaxing.

Weekend Update

So this weekend was pretty fun. I drove up to Dana Point on Friday night and stayed with my friend and her husband. It was a little hard at first, cause as a fairly recently married couple, I felt I could see parts of their lives that could've been mine. But I didn't let myself dwell on it. Didn't want to be a downer.

Saturday morning, or afternoon actually, we went up to this apple picking place (me and the married couple). That was fun. We picked apples as well as made some cider. I haven't been to a place like that in years. So it was a nice fall-like activity.

Saturday night I met up with an old friend to go get some drinks. We went to dinner, where he ate and I actually just got a drink. After that we drove around Redlands looking for a suitable bar. We finally ended up at The Boiler Room, and then stayed there for a few hours. We had a really fun time. He's a fun drinking partner, so it usually ends up being enjoyable.

Then this morning, Sunday, I went back to the other friend's house (the married one) and hung out there and we made a pie. That was fun. She's really into making pies I guess, so it was fun to learn how to do that, I've never done that before. We used the apples that we had picked the day before.

After that, I just drove home and have been wasting time on the internet for the last few hours. I should've done laundry or something for the week, but I'm just so unmotivated to do something like that. Tomorrow I guess...

Holiday Spirit(less)

Well, the holidays are almost here. Practically the Holiday Season, within the next few weeks, I suppose. This is always my favorite time of the year. But this year? Not looking forward to it so much. Why? Because he will not be there. Being alone on during the holiday season has never been a particular problem of mine. Less gifts to buy, which in turn means more money saved. I barely manage to get through the gift buying as it is. Not that it's about the money. But with family and friends around, it doesn't usually bother me that I don't have that Special Someone there with me. But this year I'm already dreading it. I already feel that slightly heavier loneliness. We won't be driving up to my mom's house together. We had such fantastic talks during those drives. About the future. How we wanted to raise children. Our dreams. We won't be doing that next year. No spending New Year's Eve together, and having that first kiss of the year. All these things that I just assumed that we'd be doing every year for the rest of our lives, we aren't going to be doing. And all of that has me just not looking forward to this upcoming holiday season. Cause I know that I'm going to just end up thinking about him so much. It happened during Halloween, so why not these more significant holidays?

(Sorry this post sounds like such a downer. I swear I'm trying to post more positive stuff from now on. Part of the healing process or something: not so much focusing on the negative.)

All Hallows Eve

Last night was Halloween. I wasn't planning to go out. As much as I am trying to make myself go out and do things I wasn't necessarily in the mood to go out til all hours of the night (or morning, as the case may be). But I at the last minute decided to accept an invitation from a friend, bonus that he said that he and his friends weren't going to be staying out too late. I guess a benefit of hanging out with other people who work. So I went over to said friend's house, and we hitched a ride out to PB with one of his other friends. I am grateful she had room for me. So after a little bit of pre-partying at yet another friend's house, we headed out to our destination. It turned out to be pretty fun. It wasn't the crazy packed experience of bars or halloween parties past, but it was fun in it's own right. I was glad I went out. The people were all super nice, though I had met some of them at a Halloween party we had gone to last year. So it was fun. I had a good time. And I even managed to get almost enough sleep.

Last night, for the first time since this whole break up ordeal, I laughed. A real, genuine laugh. For the span of a few hours, some old friends were able to take my mind truly off the whole reason I came home for the weekend to begin with. Sure, today it's back to feeling sad, and missing him. It's hard to deal with the fact that I think this is now officially the longest I've ever gone without seeing him since we met. It's hard to deal with all of this. But for a brief, fleeting amount of time, I was able to take my mind off of it. To laugh. To feel happy. For that, I am grateful.

A Feeling of Calm

At some point this afternoon the cloud that had been hanging over me the whole evening before, and the day so far, had lifted. It felt like this feeling of peace, of calm, came over me. I'm not sure why. But I suddenly felt like everything was going to be ok. Not in a "Don't worry, you'll find someone" way. But in a "Don't worry. Things will work out between you two. Just focus on better-ing yourself, and it will all work out". I know that this could all be some cruel joke. But I really don't think so. I really hope it isn't. I feel like if I'm just patient enough, and that I give him the time he needs, that things will work out eventually. This may prove foolish. But for now, I'm holding onto this feeling. This feeling of peace or calm is nice. I've really been praying about this, and thinking about this a lot. So I think things will be ok. I still know I can't count on it 100%, but this feeling for now makes me...happy. Happy to feel content that this is just a little bump in the road. So just don't rain on my parade, no matter how naive it seems.

Memories

Last night was rather hard. Stumbling across, and then reading, a card from our anniversary (the day he proposed) was difficult. Ever since I've felt like I'm just in this funk. This black cloud hanging over my head. Not that I was fantastic before, but at least I wasn't wanting to cry all the time.

I've managed to not wear my ring all the time. Though I still keep it with me at all times. It hangs around a chain on my neck. I'm not ready to not have it with me. To be completely separated. I still wear it on my finger sometimes at home. My hand feels bare without it.

It's strange. When we first got engaged, it felt weird to wear that ring. Aside from looking at it all the time, I could physically feel the ring on my finger. It felt right to wear it, but I wasn't used to it. Now that I'm not wearing it, I feel bare without it. Now my finger feels odd without the ring on. Today on the way to work I noticed I had accidentally put the ring (not engagement) I was wearing on the same finger as my engagement. My mind's been wired to wear it on my left hand. Now it feels odd to be wearing a ring on my right hand.

Life As I Know It

The last few days have, obviously, been difficult. I went up to a friend's house on Saturday, after saying by to him while moving his stuff out. It was very hard, saying goodbye. I still love him dearly, and I still hope that he will eventually change his mind. I spoke with him on Sunday evening. I had called him cause he had called a friend of mine. I was wondering why. He had apparently told my friend how wonderful I was, and that I'd find someone great someday. I told him how I had already found someone great. Him. That he is the one I wanted to be with. Even if we never got married, as long as I could be with him, that is what I wanted. Even if we were just dating now, and not engaged, to be with him. He said, "Just give me time." So that gave me a little bit of hope. But he also said eventually I'd be ok. So I am obviously trying to not get my hopes up about anything. I don't want to think we'll be getting back together when he has no plans to ever do so.


Do you know what one of the hardest things is? Sleeping in an empty bed. When we first started spending the night with each other, I used to not sleep so well. He was a close sleeper. Cuddling. I was not used to that. But then as time went on, especially when we started living together, it became hard to sleep alone. When I'd go home for the weekend, or something like that, it would take me a while to fall asleep. I find myself cuddling up with pillows to make it easier. But my sleep still isn't the same. I miss having that person in the bed with me. It makes me feel...so alone.

Blank and Empty

Today so far has been both extremely hard, yet a little better in the crying department. I've started to tell some people, now that I'm fairly certain it is over. I feel so...empty. So blank. I don't get pleasure out of anything. I can't find anything I feel like doing. TV does not hold my interest, no matter what I find is on. Reading through some blogs on the internet does not help either. Nothing does.

Today he will finish getting all of his things. I know it's masochistic or something, but I would like to be here. I would like to see him just one more time, even if it is just for a few minutes. I do not know when I will see him again. Weeks, months, who knows? I know I hope that things will change. That we can go back to at least dating. But I don't know. I don't at this point have much faith in that, as much as I hope it happens. I obviously can't force anything. Just pray that what is best happens. I truly believe being with him is what is best, what is meant to be. It is especially hard because we are not breaking up under any bad conditions. We still care enormously for one another. Still love each other. So I can't just call him a jerk or something and be angry, and get over it. Instead I just sit and wonder what my life will be like without him. Which brings me back to feeling so empty. Everywhere, there are memories of him. Even my room, since we lived together. There is not many places that I will be able to go that will not have some memory of him, or of us. That kind of sucks, quite frankly.

I just want to thank all my friends and family, who have so far been so fabulous to me. So caring, and so kind. Though ultimately I am the one who has to deal with this, and get through it, knowing that you all are there for me helps. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps to know that I have you to lean on. You to call up and cry to. To drive 2 hours round to come pick me up and take me back to your house so I won't have to drive myself while being so upset, so I won't be in this empty room tonight, all alone. Noticing the absence of his things.

Worst. Day. Ever.

It's over. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind. But as of now, it is over. I poured my heart out to him. I fought for him. I did my best. Now there is nothing to do. Nothing but to try and accept it. As much as I want to hope that someday (next week, next month, next year, whenever) he will change his mind, I know I can't live like that. I'll never even heal a little bit with those thoughts. I know I most likely won't ever be completely over this. I know he will ALWAYS be in my heart. He will always be the one that "got away".


He said that it boiled down to the fact that he just wasn't ready to be married. That he just wants time for himself, and to do whatever he wants. And to just spend his time however he wants. This, for those who were wondering, was one of the problems that we were having. I know I was not eactly handling stuff the best, him trying to have a bit more independence. So I held on tighter. So he pulled away more. But he says none of this matters. It's all about him not wanting to get married now. Not anytime soon. Which I felt often. That everyone I talked to and saw the situation felt. So I can't really cry "bullshit" on this one. I can't say that he's probably lying. Cause I've worried this was the case for a while. I can't be mad. I can only be accepting, and trying to get over it. It will be a really long process.

Guess I Spoke To Soon...

All that about how lovely it is to be engaged, I guess it no longer applies to me. Shortly after writing that post (well, a few hours) Fiance came home, and broke off the engagement. All night I've been a wreck. We've been having some issues, which I think I had mentioned earlier. We were making progress, had seen a counselor a handful (maybe 4) of times. Apparently after only those few amounts of sessions with the counselor, he thinks we should be all better. We were getting better. It all feels like some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. When I finally fell asleep earlier in the evening (well, really morning), I woke up consistantly every hour. And each time I woke up I felt such deep sadness, I don't even know how to describe it. Sadness that he hadn't called me. (Did I really think he would?) And even more about the fact that he wasn't lying in bed next to me. Not now, and possibly not ever again. That I would never again cuddle up with him. It makes me feel SO EMPTY inside. I don't think that I would wish this feeling on anyone. To have these dreams and hopes, to think that you have found that person you will be spending your life with and having children with...and then to have it all ripped away. That's just the worst feeling in the world. And waking up every hour and realizing it over and over sure doesn't make it any easier. So now I am awake. It is five in the morning, and I just can't bear to go back to sleep. But I can't bear to lay awake and think how the most important thing in my world, in my life, is leaving. I pray that he will change his mind. I pray that somehow things will all work out. But that makes me feel foolish.

A Reminder

I was at a discount store today (Dollar Store...be quiet! Everything is so cheap there!), and the girl who was working the check-out must have noticed my engagement ring. "That's so pretty!" she said. It made me smile. It's not often a complete stranger compliments you on something like that. Friends, family, of course. Plus, they kind of have to say it is pretty. They'd come off like asses if they didn't. So it was kind of nice, and reassuring, when this unexpected compliment came today. But what she said next was even better. "That's so special. I hope it all goes really well for you." (speaking of my engagement, and then marriage, obviously) And I thought, you know what, it is special. Lately I think I've gotten caught up in so many things, which aren't necessarily positive, like work, and the planning, and the are-we-really-fighting-about-this-again? that I sort of lost sight of how special it is that I've found this amazing person that not only do I want to spend my life with him, but he wants to spend his with me. It's amazing. It's fabulous. Not everyone finds that person. So we are lucky to have found each other. Especially factoring that we literally come from opposite sides of the Earth (me - northern hemisphere, him - southern), and still managed to meet.

Perfect Day For Flip Flops

That title is full of sarcasm. The one cloudy day I wear flip flops this week, and it rains. I've been wearing boots the last few days, and not a drop. So I go ahead and wear sandals, and this. I have bad luck with the weather. At least it is finally starting to feel more fall/winter like. I've been missing the change in seasons.

Changes In The Air

Lately, I feel some changes in my life. And I don't mean the obvious ones about a promotion, or getting married. These are smaller scale changes. In the small details in my life. Though, I wouldn't doubt that it was maybe possibly related to getting married. It most likely is.

The thing is, is that lately I've been feeling much more domestic. Thinking about decorating, and "Won't it be nice once we have our own place", keeping the house all tidy, and cooking. Yes, that's correct, COOKING. I have never been one to really like cooking. Not because I particularly lack the talent to do so, but mostly out of laziness. I never really felt like going through ALL that time and trouble it takes to prepare most really good meals, just to eat it in about 20 or so minutes. What a waste, I always thought. But lately, I've been getting a little more into it. Finding recipes that sound interesting. Looking forward to an opportunity to try them out. I'm turning into quite the little Housewife-in-training. Now all I need is the house.

set in stone

Well, I dropped off our deposit yesterday. So we are 100% on that date and location. It's a relief to have at least that part taken care of. It was a long time coming. It all went fairly smoothly, as long as you ignore the fact that the women who was helping me (an elderly volunteer), kept trying to give back the necessary forms we needed to turn in. I felt a bit like an ass saying, "Oh, no, you actually are supposed to keep this. We already have a copy... This one too." Especially with someone so...grandmotherly. Oh well, she didn't seemed bothered. I don't think. I also think (though we haven't signed anything yet) that we have found our caterer as well. Who will also be supplying our tables and chairs. I'm kind of glad we only have a certain list of caterers to choose from (it's a historical house we're getting married at, so they have a pre-approved list for you to get your catering from. you can hire someone else, but it seems a bit of a hassle).

I also may have narrowed it down to two bridesmaid's dresses this past weekend. A bridesmaid of mine came down and tried some on, and we narrowed it down to two or three, but mostly just the two. Now I just need to maybe narrow it down and notify everyone. Look how productive on the wedding front I'm being. Amazing

There is a new addition to our little family. A little baby bunny. It is ADORABLE. Really, it is. I even think The Argentinian thought so. Quite the feat, as he took some convincing before I could bring it home. But I'm glad that he finally gave in. I love it. Besides, it's a small and quiet pet. Why not get one?

there's something you don't see every day

I was at the supermarket last night with The Argentinian buying some drinks and snacks before going home to watch a movie. In the checkout lane next to us was a guy buying a personal sized tub of ice cream. It kind of made me smile to myself, as the stereotype is of a girl sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, eating ice cream (or cake, or some sort of sweet). Not that I think he was sitting at home, pining over some girl. But you never really see a guy just buying a whole tub of ice cream for himself to eat that night.

hello. remember me?

Wow...I've really just been awful about updating this thing. I partially blame my work, because they sent around this email with their, no joke, blogging policy. So now I'm a little worried to do it there. I should probably just get over it, since I do a number of other things at work I'm not supposed to do.

So a lot has been going on around here. First, I got a promotion at work. So that's exciting. Especially as I had written previously how I needed some sort of change in position, or else I would need to perhaps find another job. Perhaps they read my blog? I hope not. Disasterous.

The Argentinian and I have found a location for our wedding, and thus also have a wedding date. So that is exciting. Next August 10 we will make it official. It is getting me a little bit more excited about the wedding. I've been having some trouble getting into the whole planning excitement for this wedding. Instead I was more just like, "Can we just move on to the marriage part?" So finally booking something (could we have taken any longer? I think not.) helped to make it more real and exciting.

Today one of my bridesmaids is coming down to do some wedding stuff with me. We will be looking at some bridesmaid dresses and seeing if I can find something that I actually like, that isn't crazy expensive. I don't believe in having someone have to buy a dress that is unreasonably price, that they don't even really get to pick. You know?

The Argentinian's mother has come to visit us again. She found a good deal and was able to book it and actually leave like the next day. It's nice to get to spend some more time with her, and getting to know her.

I've also been reconnecting with some old friends lately. For some reason I know all these people that live rather close, but just don't get around to talking or seeing them very often. It really is rather sad, so I am wanting to make more of an effort to maintain those friendships.

Other than that, not much else going on around here.

*sigh*

at least she got her make up done by someone other than herself...

25

In a few short days it will be my birthday. I will be turning 25. I am half way to fifty. One-quarter of the way to 100. Yikes. With each passing year I find my birthdays harder to deal with. This one, 25, seems even more monumental. Like it is the end of youth. The end of having just myself to worry about. I'm sure this is partly due to the impending marriage. But it just seems so...old, or grown up. I remember growing up and when someone was 25 they seemed so together. So in charge of their lives, and like they had it all figured out. I definitely don't feel that way. I feel more put together than I used to, but I am no where close to feeling like I have it all figured out. If anything, lately, I feel the exact opposite. I feel like I've hit a stagnant spot in my life. Obviously my relationship with The Argentinian is going well, and not at a stand-still. But other than that, I just feel like that I want something more. My job, even though I love the people I work with and think they're great, and enjoy working with them, I just feel like in the position I am in right now, there is no more growth for me. I need to either move up to a different position, or move on to another job. But at the same time, the security of the job that I have is nice. Starting somewhere new, for me, is always so nerve wrecking. Having to get to know the new co-workers, getting comfortable enough, all of that. I tend to be a little shy when getting to know new people, especially in a work type situation. I'm not really sure why. Though I have been trying to make efforts to get over that. But, I digress. I just feel like I need more of a challenge in my daily life. I mean, in reality, I spend more time at work then I do at home (waking hours at least). I want something that excites me. Something I can't wait to go in and tackle. And I don't have that for the job I'm at now. I don't have that passion. Maybe I'm just having a quarter life crisis...

Resurgance

This week has seen a resurgence in The Argentinian and my social lives. We've been going out more frequently than we usually do. Last Friday night we went out just the two of us to get some drinks and a movie. It was nice to just be alone with each other, cause it seemed like we hadn't gone on an actual date, just us, for quite a while. We saw Transformers, which was exactly how I thought it would be. Nothing fantastic, but entertaining enough. We had actually planned to see No Reservations, but it was sold out by the time we were purchasing our tickets. So our options were limited.

Saturday…well, Saturday was so uneventful I can't even think of a single thing we did. Sunday was his company picnic, so we went to a park and did that whole thing for a couple of hours. We had every intention of going to look at this one place for a possible wedding location, but after going home to take just a short nap like we had planned…well…it never happened. A "short nap" turned into an afternoon of lounging around the house and watching DVDs.

On Monday we went to meet up with one of his friends at the AC Lounge, and brought along one of our roommates too. I can't remember the last time we've gone out to a bar during the week. It's been that long. It was fun to go to the AC Lounge again. We hadn't gone there in forever. Side note: right outside is where we actually had "the talk" and became official. So we met up with this guy he knew who is also from Argentina, hence why I thought maybe the roommate might want to come along, just in case some Spanish conversations broke out, and I had no clue what was going on.

Tonight we're going to be meeting up with my cousin that lives up in Orange County. I haven't seen him in a few months, and The Argentinian has never met him. He has the cutest little boy. So I'm glad to get to see him and his family too, as well as introduce them to each other.

Viva Las Vegas!

So The Argentinian and I are going to Vegas this weekend. It's his first time, so that should be exciting. We're on a bit of a budget, so we aren't staying right on The Strip, but it looks like it's a super nice hotel that we're staying at. I only wish we could have gotten one of the rooms that has a jacuzzi in it. Not that expensive overall, but since we're only going for one night, no point in wasting a ton of money when we're trying to save up money to help pay for the wedding and stuff like that (i.e. moving around the end of the year, needing new furniture, ect). But, I'm still super excited for the weekend. We (all my girl friends) didn't make it on our annual Vegas trip this year, so it'll be nice to still get to go. I'm a little bummed that I am unable to find the stack of cards I have for getting into clubs free…hopefully I'll be able to find them in the next few days. But I'm not holding my breath. We're going to be meeting up with his mom there. Well, her and her friend. I've not taken a trip to Vegas where parents are involved since I was really young. So I'm not too sure what type of activities we'll partake in.

Meeting the In-Laws

So I met The Argentinian’s mom. The future Mother-In-Law. She’s super nice, and easy going, and easy to get along with. The Argentinian told me that she really likes me, and all of that good stuff, so that’s a relief. I mean, I don’t think a guy’s parent’s have ever hated me or anything, but since we’re getting married, I don’t particularly want her to dislike me. We had dinner a couple times last week, and then this coming week, after she gets back into town, she’ll be staying at the house with us. So, that should be nice. Then, on the 18th, she’s heading back to Argentina. I’m glad that I got a chance to meet at least her before we get married. That would’ve been a little awkward, getting married and never meeting your husband’s family.

Location Hunting

This weekend I went to look at some churches for the wedding. I narrowed it down to two which the Argentinian and I will go back and look at. There is one that I love the outside a lot more (for pictures, ect.). It has beatiful landscaping, a fountain, and just really pretty. The other I love the inside. It has a huge (I think 75 feet tall) window looking out at a garden or something. So we'll see which one we end up picking. Who knows, we might find a completely different one we love.

Sick

For the last few days I've been feeling fairly sick. It started on Saturday night after The Argentinian and I went out for dinner. I was feeling a little achey. Soon enough it was 4 am, and I was in the bathroom throwing up. Several times throughout yesterday. I'm still having to deal with a bit of a fever today, but at least I'm not throwing up anymore. But I hate using up two sick days. At least I can relax.

Inevitable

Well, it had to happen some time. We had our first real fight since getting engaged. I think the air is pretty much cleared by now, but I'm sorry to say I'm still a little upset. It's just exhausting having a fight sometimes.

What's A Girl To Do

So I've just recently begun to dig into this whole wedding planning process. I must admit, I thought it wouldn't be that difficult, but it seems a lot more confusing than I thought it would be. There's so many options. And then you have to take into account that the groom has his opinions on what he would like. Which does not always coincide with what you want. I'm telling you people, it's no walk in the park.

So far the one thing that I planned to have done, and gave a deadline to my parents and the Argentinian, has not been followed. I wanted to try and get the guest list out of the way. Easy enough, one might think. But not when your fiance doesn't seem to have much interest in sitting and doing it, and your parents say they are busy, but will try and get it done. So the only one who finished is me. That's kind of lame. I even sent a little reminder out to the three of them yesterday. Guess it didn't do much good.

We were actually supposed to set the date by this weekend. Though I think we are pretty close to doing that. And I think we'll be able to manage that one. I hope.

The Thing About Engagement Rings

So we've been engaged for about a week and a half now. And, sadly, already my engagement ring is showing some wear and tear on the band. I knew it would probably get a little scratched over time, but that was quick. I guess that's the thing about wearing the same piece of jewelry, which has quite the shine to it, 24/7. That, and of course the fact that I was desp desparate to keep it looking perfect, so of course it did not stay in that condition.

best. day. ever.

On our one year anniversary the Argentinian had a whole day planned for us. We had a lovely breakfast at Cody's in La Jolla before heading down to La Jolla cove to look in the tide pools, as well as lay out on the beach. We layed out for a couple hours before heading up to the Cabrillo National Monument to exchange our gifts. The Argentinian gave me a bottle of perfume (which smells lovely), and I gave him a photo album I had made of our first year together (using iPhoto. totally cool and recommended). After a short trip home to get cleaned up and dressed, we headed back out to La Jolla for dinner at Sante's, a great Italian restaurant. After sharing a delicious dinner together we drove up to Mount Soledad to watch the sunset. Shortly after arriving, as the sun began to go down, he got down on his knee and proposed. I of course said "Yes!"

After that, I had to track my mom down at work to tell her the big news. I didn't exactly know which hospital she works at, so on my third try, I finally got ahold of her. After trying to call my dad (and ending up having to wait to talk to him the next day), I called a few friends, and sent out a mass text message.

All in all, it was really the best, most perfect day. He put so much love, thought, and effort into planning it that really made it a memorable day. It's one I'll never forget my whole life.

watch where you're going, asshole!

i was on my way back to work from the rite aid on the corner when it happened. i was walking along, happily talking on my cell with the argentinian, when an old man was in front of me.

"watch where you're going!" he shouts RIGHT IN MY FACE and keeps walking.

i turn around to look at him, and he then adds "asshole!" that's right, i got berated by an old man. and i was watching where i was going. just cause he's old, i have to change my path? i wanted to swing my bag of crackers and chocolates at him (i'm a healthy snacker, huh?). if i hadn't been on the phone, i'm sure i would've actually gotten into a fight with a old man, each exchanging insults to each other or something.

upon arriving back at my desk i shared my experience with the coworkers. everyone around cracked up at the old senile man. this is one of the reasons i just don't really care for old people. at least the mean kind.

it's times like this, and that other time that i think it's good that i am able to control my anger. cause my first reaction was to put my boyfriend on hold, and be like "WTF?" to this old man. i don't like taking shit from people.

what happens in vegas...

my boyfriend recently bought me a book. this surprised me for two reasons: he's never bought me a book before, and the subject matter of the book. now, as i said earlier we've been talking a lot more about getting married. so the fact that he bought me a book about weddings was not over the top crazy, but still kind of surprising. it made me feel happy. but, the real thing that surprised me was exactly what book it was.



imagine my surprise. particularly cause the argentinian has never been to vegas, though he does know my love for the city (as long as it is in digestable doses). i unfortunately had to veto the idea of eloping in vegas because my mother would absolutely kill me. and she would be very, very sad. plus i kind of want the whole regular wedding the more i think about it. i want everyone that i care about to be around. i mean, i've never been the girl that has her whole wedding planned out since i was 10. i never saw the point in planning something that seemed so far off. but with the purchase of this book, which i'm still reading cause it has some pretty interesting stuff in there, i realized that i do want the whole wedding thing with all the friends and family, in a church or some equally beautiful place. but i'm still going to hold off on buying wedding planning books, at least until i'm actually engaged.

assault

so i went over to the other side of my office earlier this morning. i had gone through the elevator lobby instead of walking all the way around (ok, it's not all that far, but i was feeling a little lazy). and as soon as i open the second set of doors to enter the west side of the office i was overwhelmed by someone's cologne/perfume. how can someone put on so much perfume that it stinks up a whole side of an office? just a gentle reminder to myself to always do just the one spray of perfume. cause even if i don't smell it, others will. no need to make everyone sick with the smell of my fragrance.

wait...so things are pretty serious?

ever since i've started telling people about my impending trip to argentina with the argentinian i've gotten the same reaction from almost everyone. "wow. things must be pretty serious then, huh?" or "are you guys going to get married?" or something along those lines. well, yes, things are serious. and yes, we do plan to eventually marry. we've been together for almost a year. is it that surprising?

but i really don't get why me going to meet his family always gets this reaction. i mean, it wasn't that big of a deal when he came up to meet my family. i guess the distance is something. i guess it just surprises me that practically everyone comes to that conclusion. not that i care or anything. it's just kind of odd/funny.

it's not vicoden but...

i went to see my uncle yesterday for a mysterious medical problem. well, it's more mysterious now than before i went in since he thinks it's a muscle thing why i have pain in my lower back, yet i have not done anything which could cause muscle pain. anyways, i digress. while there i broached the topic of snagging a few xanax for the trip down to south america. which, without any real hesitation, he happily obliged. though he made it clear he was only giving me enough for the trip down and back. man, if you can't score free drug prescriptions off your doctor relatives, then what good are they. i'm kidding! i'm just glad i have something. so for now, the prescription is just sitting in my bag, waiting to be filled. a friend who is flying to costa rica tried to score a few off me, which i was like no way. i'm guarding these babies with my life. there's no way i'll survive the flights there and back without them.

here's to hoping for a vicodin prescription

well, the ticket has been purchased. for better or worse, i'm flying alone down to argentina. where's the phone number for my local pharmacist?

flying the "friendly" skies

so the argentinian and i are making plans to fly down and see his family. an important part in our relationship if we are ever going to take the "next step" so to speak. originally we were flying down together on one date. then now, it turns out we will be flying separately on the way down, with him leaving earlier, and then together on the way back up (hopefully). the more i think about this, the more it terrifies me. most people may not know this, but i have a bit of a fear of flying, which sadly gets worse over time instead of better. "how bad could it really be?" you may be asking yourself. well, i've started to get that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about the long flight. i get nervous enough on the 1.5 hour flight going back to visit my hometown. this is like a 10+ or more hour flight. most likely over water (the worst kind of flight, cause if the crash doesn't kill me, i'll certainly be eaten by sharks). i was considering an american airlines flight, but after reading this i'm not so sure. that's an awful lot of suspected terrorist acts on those flights near the end. even if no one else died, i think the trauma of that would possibly the final straw in my already waning courage to fly. a connecting flight i would take in argentina has only had two deaths. one is from food poisoning, so i obviously won't eat any in flight food (can you imagine dying just from some stale food? it had to have something pretty bad wrong with it to kill someone). and another is from severe thunderstorms in the area, and the plane crashed shortly after take off. as it is during winter down there when we would be going, that is not the most comforting, but i'm sure i'd just wait for the weather to clear if i was too scared. i think if i end up having to fly alone i'm going to need a benzodiazepines or something to tranquilize me. i don't want to turn into one of those crazies they have to restrain on the flight. ok, i probably wouldn't go all batshit crazy or anything, but i don't think i'd be much fun to sit next to for 10+ hours unmedicated. and those little weak alcohol drinks planes serve are expensive.

high horse

just cause you do brain research doesn't make me incompetent. i'm sorry if you don't understand what "you will need to sign a copyright agreement" means. that it does, in fact, mean you can not publish that article anywhere else. i will give you that i did not know the starting date of the publication. but don't make it seem like i am incompetent or say rude things like, "well, if you don't know let me talk to someone who does". besides, i offered to transfer you right from the start.

dropping like flies

so my company is "reorganizing", ie some people will be losing their jobs. and by "some people" i mean people who have the job title that i have. lately quite a few people have "left" the company. the latest was today. she was nice too, i liked her. my boss told me not to worry, it has nothing to do with the "reorganization" that she "left". we'll see...

spring cleaning

i need to start cleaning things out. as much as it pains me to say it, i think i may have too many clothes. at least for the current amount of space i have i have too many clothes. amd i guess i don't wear all of it. i could afford to get rid of some of it. it's just so hard, cause there's been so many times where i haven't worn something in a while, and then i end up wearing it again. or there's stuff i have that has some sentimental value. though i guess that stuff could at least be packed up. either way, i think i'm giong to start the daunting task of going through my clothes. and then, maybe i'll even move on to the rest of my room...

Update

so far i have managed to not buy any new clothes. i did go shopping when my mom was here, and i bought a pair of shoes at nordstroms and some clothes at buffalo exchange, but i don't think that counts. cause when your mom wants to go shopping with you, you go shopping with her. other than that, i've been really good about not shopping. even though i did feel like going shopping this weekend. i didn't. good thing i fell asleep so i couldn't go out.

a pledge

so i recently came across a particular blog about refashioning old clothing. there was a pledge you could sign up for about not buying anything new and manufactured. instead you would only do something new with your old clothes, or something you found at a thrift shop. i think i'm going to do my own little spin on this though. i'm not going to necessarily refashion my old stuff, but i will do the not buying new clothes thing. i'll try and go for 2 months. now, i can't make a promise that i won't be buying other stuff (i've kind of been on a home improvement in a decorating sort of way kick lately). we'll see how it lasts. so...on may 13 i can start to purchase new clothing again. let's all see if i last.

my valentines day so far

this year my valentines day started off well. i woke up and cuddled up with the argentinian as long as i could before having to get ready for work. i really didn't want to get up. i felt (and still do) so tired. things went a little downhill from there. there was insane traffic on my way to work. a normally 10 min drive took me 45+ minutes, which caused me to run out of gas. i then had to walk to the nearest gas station from half way up the offramp. upon reaching said gas station, i learned that one of those gallon container things costs $15. i had exactly $15 with me. i could not afford both the gas, and the container to hold it in. perfect. i then have to call my boyfriend to come save me, which he does, even though he is working on homework, and will be late for class. he really is the best. i couldn't have a better guy to be my "valentine". so now, i'm at work, where i really don't want to be. but at least i have tonight to look forward to.

for the last week or so the ladies room at my work has reminded me of something out of a horror movie. the lights over the sinks worked, but the rest of the lights were out, except for one lone flickering light. everytime i would use the restroom it would remind me of all those scenes where a girl gets attacked by some monster or villian. finally, after the day was half gone, the lights were fixed. i no longer think of being attacked when i'm at work.

new addition

so i went to the SPCA last night, hping to find a cute little animal to take home with me. and after about 2 hours of waiting (i had no idea it could take so long), i did. i found the cutest little kitten. someone else almost adopted her, but they brought out the wrong kitten to them, so i got the one i really wanted.she (i keep saying "she" cause i have yet to pick a name. any suggestions?) was scared at first and on the way home (naturally), but once we got home she calmed down immediately, and was so friendly and playful. she was exploring all over my room, and then when the argentinian and i started watching a movie, she cuddled up right between us and fell asleep. it was a little more than i thought it would cost, but totally worth it!

stars

From Photos of me ...

every once and a while, a moment comes where i feel just so content and happy with my life. it's not usually when i'm out at a party or something with friends. it's those really quiet moments. earlier this evening i was lying in bed with the argentinian. he was drifting off to sleep, while i lay awake watching the stars slowly come out through the window. i suddenly felt that this was all i needed to be happy (not in a "i need a man to be happy" kind of way, but in a "simple things can make your life seem full" kind of way). i had his arms around me, as he nuzzled up closer to my neck, while he whispered, "i love you" so quietly that it's only between him and i, and i felt completely happy. i think i could be the luckiest girl in the world.

i'm not sure why, but i have been dubbed the next one at work (in our team) to get engaged by this one woman. now, there aren't a whole lot of us single gals left on our team. i think there are maybe 4, not counting the 2 that are engaged (oh, and the one guy who is single, who has been with his girlfriend for 12 years. that's right. 12 years. i think he should just do it already). and one has been with her boyfriend a whole lot longer than me and my boyfriend. i mean, not that it matters the length of time you are with someone, and not that i wouldn't be absolutely 100% thrilled to be engaged to my boyfriend if it were to happen. but i'm just not sure how i won that title.

why is it that every time i come to work dressed in a more "professional" way my boss is never around? here i am, trying to make a good impression, present myself the way i'm supposed to if i want to get promoted (or so i have assumed from what was said) and it's all for naught. i swear. every. single. time. of course the days i wear jeans Boss is always around.

the poor man's lindsay lohan

now that miss lohan is in rehab, you may be concerned that you won't get your daily fix of her. but never fear. for there is another young starlet (though perhaps B-list?) to take her place. at least in the looks category.

behold exhibit A, the real lohan:



exhibit B, jena malone (who i happen to find VERY annoying. especially in pride and prejudice):



do they not look very similar? i'm sure it is mostly that they are both sporting long dark/blackish hair. they look way more alike than i ever have noticed.

question

when it's nearly 3:30 am, and you have to be up by 6:15 am or so, do you make it an all nighter, or do you try and sleep for the 2+ hours you have left? i hate it when i have so much weighing on my mind. things get so complicated now. i truly long for the days when things were simpler.

there's no better way to drive home the thought to lose a few pounds than when the sales girl brings you three pairs of jeans to try on, and they are all too small.

the other day i went to the hair salon to FINALLY get my roots done (it had been far too long. but unexpected expenses which seemed more important than vanity kept coming up). while i was there i was reading through an issue of US Weekly, and i couldn't help but wonder how all the "it" girls could handle going out night after night. i am usually tired by 11pm lately on a week night. i can maybe manage to stay up til 1am or so if it's a saturday night. i used to be much more able to go out, and have a good time, and stay out til all hours of the night with friends, whether it was a week day or weekend. i know i'm a little older, but really only by a year and a half. can my energy level have fallen that much in such a short time? that seems quite a slippery slope. i know part of it has to do with the fact that i now have a job that i have to get up for, and attend on a regular basis. not classes that don't start til noon, or that i can skip. but on top of all that, i don't always even have the desire to go out as often. which is too bad. i'm only 24, and i should probably enjoy the time and freedom i have now. soon enough it could be gone. i could get married, and have a family. and by that time it will be too late. i think part of the reason i don't have the desire (aside from getting tired early) is that i may associate the going out with trying to distract myself from my life not being happy. when things are going great with my life, i'm happy and content. i don't need to go out so i don't have to think about it. when things aren't so perfect, suddenly i'm more up for it. but i really don't want to have this bad association with going out. maybe i should try and change that. not that suddenly i want to go out everynight. but more often than before. maybe go out to a bar or club a little more often than i'm used to (which is hardly ever). not cause i want to go and drink a lot. that's not what i mean at all. but just to go out and have a good time like i used to once and a while before i'm in total settle down mode and can't really do it anymore.

one more time, with feeling

so i've been looking through old pictures lately (well, not that old, but from the early part of 2006). and i know it's stupid, and superficial, but really, i was in better shape. people always say, "like you could ever be fat." but you know what, i bet there are TONS of people out there who got told that, and they are fat now. it's a slippery slope. you gain 2 pounds one year, 3 pounds the next, five after that, and before you know it, you are 20 pounds heavier than you used to be. sure i'm skinny now. i'm no where near fat. but really, do i want to let it get to the point where it's a huge struggle to lose that 25 pounds i put on, cause it crept up on me? no. no thank you. i prefer to fight my battles while they are small. and right now, it looks like i'm in for a little bit of a battle. i've put on maybe 5 pounds since the beginning of last year. maybe a little less. but i reached my highest weight ever in the last year, and that's a little depressing. so, i am making an official statement, in writing, for everyone to see. i am planning to get down to my ideal weight by...umm...i'll say end of march. we'll see if i can make it. who knows. but i'm going to give it my best shot.

i swear i'm not a techie of any sort

but the new iphone looks super cool. even cooler than when jen and i first got a look at the new itunes and were (sadly and geek-ily excited about it). i totally want one. too bad they are $500-$600. i guess they don't come out til june. and in december maybe since my contract is up i can barter some sort of discount or credit towards a new phone.

review

thursday 5:12 pm:
receive email about end of year review appointment with boss on monday afternoon. 4:00 pm - 4:30pm.

friday-sunday:
forget about end of year review appointment.

monday 9:30 am:
remember appointment with boss. wonder if you will get a raise.

monday 12:30 pm:
realize your appointment is at the end of the day. could you be getting fired? why else would you be getting your review so late in the day?

monday 3:45 pm:
rationalize that if you were getting fired, they wouldn't do your review on a monday. you would have it at the end of the week. why would they have you come work for just one day in the week?

monday 4:00 pm:
enter boss's office, recieve raise. breath sigh of relief.

i'll be the girl

i'm not sure why this tiffany song came into my mind today. but for whatever reason, it's there, and to be honest is kind of stuck in my head at the moment. i never really gave this song much thought. but then i started thinking about it, and it has kind of a not so great line, that could be a bad message. "I'll be the girl, that you want me to be." i'm sure young tiffany didn't think much about this either when she sang it in malls across america. but it kind of promotes changing who you are to attract a boy, and keep him from "even looking at other girls". now other lines are more sweet and acceptable. it's just that part in the main chorus that kind of got me thinking. we should be who we are (guys and girls), and not change who we are to make someone like us. i know that a lot of people make that mistake. at least when they are younger in age. i know i did. there was at least one or two boyfriends i had where i wasn't 100% myself, cause i didn't want him to change how he felt about me. luckily i grew older, and wiser, and snapped out of that. i decided that if someone didn't like me for who i was, then that isn't my problem. cause there are lots of people out there who will love/like me for who i am.

new year

well, it's a new year. a new start. a time to make resolutions that won't make it til the end of the month most likely, let alone the end of the year. i didn't make one specific resolution this year (well, i guess i did say i was going to save money), but a more general one that covers kind of a lot. i recently read those are harder to stick to, but oh well. i decided just to take better care of myself all around. health wise, as far as eating and all of that stuff that goes along with it. also taking a little more time for me, to think, figure things out, and relax. i tend to kind of get caught up in more trivial things and not taking as much time for myself as i always should. not that i am feeling a need to like "have space" or "be alone" or anything to where i want to neglect any of my relationships, but just even if i'm with someone else really taking care of my needs a little bit more, since i've not been doing that as much as i should have always. i guess kind of just making sure that i am happy (not to make it seem like i was unhappy before). so that's my resolution this year. sure, it's kind of vague, but i'm happy with it that way.