Blank and Empty

Today so far has been both extremely hard, yet a little better in the crying department. I've started to tell some people, now that I'm fairly certain it is over. I feel so...empty. So blank. I don't get pleasure out of anything. I can't find anything I feel like doing. TV does not hold my interest, no matter what I find is on. Reading through some blogs on the internet does not help either. Nothing does.

Today he will finish getting all of his things. I know it's masochistic or something, but I would like to be here. I would like to see him just one more time, even if it is just for a few minutes. I do not know when I will see him again. Weeks, months, who knows? I know I hope that things will change. That we can go back to at least dating. But I don't know. I don't at this point have much faith in that, as much as I hope it happens. I obviously can't force anything. Just pray that what is best happens. I truly believe being with him is what is best, what is meant to be. It is especially hard because we are not breaking up under any bad conditions. We still care enormously for one another. Still love each other. So I can't just call him a jerk or something and be angry, and get over it. Instead I just sit and wonder what my life will be like without him. Which brings me back to feeling so empty. Everywhere, there are memories of him. Even my room, since we lived together. There is not many places that I will be able to go that will not have some memory of him, or of us. That kind of sucks, quite frankly.

I just want to thank all my friends and family, who have so far been so fabulous to me. So caring, and so kind. Though ultimately I am the one who has to deal with this, and get through it, knowing that you all are there for me helps. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps to know that I have you to lean on. You to call up and cry to. To drive 2 hours round to come pick me up and take me back to your house so I won't have to drive myself while being so upset, so I won't be in this empty room tonight, all alone. Noticing the absence of his things.

Worst. Day. Ever.

It's over. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind. But as of now, it is over. I poured my heart out to him. I fought for him. I did my best. Now there is nothing to do. Nothing but to try and accept it. As much as I want to hope that someday (next week, next month, next year, whenever) he will change his mind, I know I can't live like that. I'll never even heal a little bit with those thoughts. I know I most likely won't ever be completely over this. I know he will ALWAYS be in my heart. He will always be the one that "got away".


He said that it boiled down to the fact that he just wasn't ready to be married. That he just wants time for himself, and to do whatever he wants. And to just spend his time however he wants. This, for those who were wondering, was one of the problems that we were having. I know I was not eactly handling stuff the best, him trying to have a bit more independence. So I held on tighter. So he pulled away more. But he says none of this matters. It's all about him not wanting to get married now. Not anytime soon. Which I felt often. That everyone I talked to and saw the situation felt. So I can't really cry "bullshit" on this one. I can't say that he's probably lying. Cause I've worried this was the case for a while. I can't be mad. I can only be accepting, and trying to get over it. It will be a really long process.

Guess I Spoke To Soon...

All that about how lovely it is to be engaged, I guess it no longer applies to me. Shortly after writing that post (well, a few hours) Fiance came home, and broke off the engagement. All night I've been a wreck. We've been having some issues, which I think I had mentioned earlier. We were making progress, had seen a counselor a handful (maybe 4) of times. Apparently after only those few amounts of sessions with the counselor, he thinks we should be all better. We were getting better. It all feels like some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. When I finally fell asleep earlier in the evening (well, really morning), I woke up consistantly every hour. And each time I woke up I felt such deep sadness, I don't even know how to describe it. Sadness that he hadn't called me. (Did I really think he would?) And even more about the fact that he wasn't lying in bed next to me. Not now, and possibly not ever again. That I would never again cuddle up with him. It makes me feel SO EMPTY inside. I don't think that I would wish this feeling on anyone. To have these dreams and hopes, to think that you have found that person you will be spending your life with and having children with...and then to have it all ripped away. That's just the worst feeling in the world. And waking up every hour and realizing it over and over sure doesn't make it any easier. So now I am awake. It is five in the morning, and I just can't bear to go back to sleep. But I can't bear to lay awake and think how the most important thing in my world, in my life, is leaving. I pray that he will change his mind. I pray that somehow things will all work out. But that makes me feel foolish.

A Reminder

I was at a discount store today (Dollar Store...be quiet! Everything is so cheap there!), and the girl who was working the check-out must have noticed my engagement ring. "That's so pretty!" she said. It made me smile. It's not often a complete stranger compliments you on something like that. Friends, family, of course. Plus, they kind of have to say it is pretty. They'd come off like asses if they didn't. So it was kind of nice, and reassuring, when this unexpected compliment came today. But what she said next was even better. "That's so special. I hope it all goes really well for you." (speaking of my engagement, and then marriage, obviously) And I thought, you know what, it is special. Lately I think I've gotten caught up in so many things, which aren't necessarily positive, like work, and the planning, and the are-we-really-fighting-about-this-again? that I sort of lost sight of how special it is that I've found this amazing person that not only do I want to spend my life with him, but he wants to spend his with me. It's amazing. It's fabulous. Not everyone finds that person. So we are lucky to have found each other. Especially factoring that we literally come from opposite sides of the Earth (me - northern hemisphere, him - southern), and still managed to meet.

Perfect Day For Flip Flops

That title is full of sarcasm. The one cloudy day I wear flip flops this week, and it rains. I've been wearing boots the last few days, and not a drop. So I go ahead and wear sandals, and this. I have bad luck with the weather. At least it is finally starting to feel more fall/winter like. I've been missing the change in seasons.

Changes In The Air

Lately, I feel some changes in my life. And I don't mean the obvious ones about a promotion, or getting married. These are smaller scale changes. In the small details in my life. Though, I wouldn't doubt that it was maybe possibly related to getting married. It most likely is.

The thing is, is that lately I've been feeling much more domestic. Thinking about decorating, and "Won't it be nice once we have our own place", keeping the house all tidy, and cooking. Yes, that's correct, COOKING. I have never been one to really like cooking. Not because I particularly lack the talent to do so, but mostly out of laziness. I never really felt like going through ALL that time and trouble it takes to prepare most really good meals, just to eat it in about 20 or so minutes. What a waste, I always thought. But lately, I've been getting a little more into it. Finding recipes that sound interesting. Looking forward to an opportunity to try them out. I'm turning into quite the little Housewife-in-training. Now all I need is the house.

set in stone

Well, I dropped off our deposit yesterday. So we are 100% on that date and location. It's a relief to have at least that part taken care of. It was a long time coming. It all went fairly smoothly, as long as you ignore the fact that the women who was helping me (an elderly volunteer), kept trying to give back the necessary forms we needed to turn in. I felt a bit like an ass saying, "Oh, no, you actually are supposed to keep this. We already have a copy... This one too." Especially with someone so...grandmotherly. Oh well, she didn't seemed bothered. I don't think. I also think (though we haven't signed anything yet) that we have found our caterer as well. Who will also be supplying our tables and chairs. I'm kind of glad we only have a certain list of caterers to choose from (it's a historical house we're getting married at, so they have a pre-approved list for you to get your catering from. you can hire someone else, but it seems a bit of a hassle).

I also may have narrowed it down to two bridesmaid's dresses this past weekend. A bridesmaid of mine came down and tried some on, and we narrowed it down to two or three, but mostly just the two. Now I just need to maybe narrow it down and notify everyone. Look how productive on the wedding front I'm being. Amazing

There is a new addition to our little family. A little baby bunny. It is ADORABLE. Really, it is. I even think The Argentinian thought so. Quite the feat, as he took some convincing before I could bring it home. But I'm glad that he finally gave in. I love it. Besides, it's a small and quiet pet. Why not get one?

there's something you don't see every day

I was at the supermarket last night with The Argentinian buying some drinks and snacks before going home to watch a movie. In the checkout lane next to us was a guy buying a personal sized tub of ice cream. It kind of made me smile to myself, as the stereotype is of a girl sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, eating ice cream (or cake, or some sort of sweet). Not that I think he was sitting at home, pining over some girl. But you never really see a guy just buying a whole tub of ice cream for himself to eat that night.

hello. remember me?

Wow...I've really just been awful about updating this thing. I partially blame my work, because they sent around this email with their, no joke, blogging policy. So now I'm a little worried to do it there. I should probably just get over it, since I do a number of other things at work I'm not supposed to do.

So a lot has been going on around here. First, I got a promotion at work. So that's exciting. Especially as I had written previously how I needed some sort of change in position, or else I would need to perhaps find another job. Perhaps they read my blog? I hope not. Disasterous.

The Argentinian and I have found a location for our wedding, and thus also have a wedding date. So that is exciting. Next August 10 we will make it official. It is getting me a little bit more excited about the wedding. I've been having some trouble getting into the whole planning excitement for this wedding. Instead I was more just like, "Can we just move on to the marriage part?" So finally booking something (could we have taken any longer? I think not.) helped to make it more real and exciting.

Today one of my bridesmaids is coming down to do some wedding stuff with me. We will be looking at some bridesmaid dresses and seeing if I can find something that I actually like, that isn't crazy expensive. I don't believe in having someone have to buy a dress that is unreasonably price, that they don't even really get to pick. You know?

The Argentinian's mother has come to visit us again. She found a good deal and was able to book it and actually leave like the next day. It's nice to get to spend some more time with her, and getting to know her.

I've also been reconnecting with some old friends lately. For some reason I know all these people that live rather close, but just don't get around to talking or seeing them very often. It really is rather sad, so I am wanting to make more of an effort to maintain those friendships.

Other than that, not much else going on around here.

*sigh*

at least she got her make up done by someone other than herself...

25

In a few short days it will be my birthday. I will be turning 25. I am half way to fifty. One-quarter of the way to 100. Yikes. With each passing year I find my birthdays harder to deal with. This one, 25, seems even more monumental. Like it is the end of youth. The end of having just myself to worry about. I'm sure this is partly due to the impending marriage. But it just seems so...old, or grown up. I remember growing up and when someone was 25 they seemed so together. So in charge of their lives, and like they had it all figured out. I definitely don't feel that way. I feel more put together than I used to, but I am no where close to feeling like I have it all figured out. If anything, lately, I feel the exact opposite. I feel like I've hit a stagnant spot in my life. Obviously my relationship with The Argentinian is going well, and not at a stand-still. But other than that, I just feel like that I want something more. My job, even though I love the people I work with and think they're great, and enjoy working with them, I just feel like in the position I am in right now, there is no more growth for me. I need to either move up to a different position, or move on to another job. But at the same time, the security of the job that I have is nice. Starting somewhere new, for me, is always so nerve wrecking. Having to get to know the new co-workers, getting comfortable enough, all of that. I tend to be a little shy when getting to know new people, especially in a work type situation. I'm not really sure why. Though I have been trying to make efforts to get over that. But, I digress. I just feel like I need more of a challenge in my daily life. I mean, in reality, I spend more time at work then I do at home (waking hours at least). I want something that excites me. Something I can't wait to go in and tackle. And I don't have that for the job I'm at now. I don't have that passion. Maybe I'm just having a quarter life crisis...

Resurgance

This week has seen a resurgence in The Argentinian and my social lives. We've been going out more frequently than we usually do. Last Friday night we went out just the two of us to get some drinks and a movie. It was nice to just be alone with each other, cause it seemed like we hadn't gone on an actual date, just us, for quite a while. We saw Transformers, which was exactly how I thought it would be. Nothing fantastic, but entertaining enough. We had actually planned to see No Reservations, but it was sold out by the time we were purchasing our tickets. So our options were limited.

Saturday…well, Saturday was so uneventful I can't even think of a single thing we did. Sunday was his company picnic, so we went to a park and did that whole thing for a couple of hours. We had every intention of going to look at this one place for a possible wedding location, but after going home to take just a short nap like we had planned…well…it never happened. A "short nap" turned into an afternoon of lounging around the house and watching DVDs.

On Monday we went to meet up with one of his friends at the AC Lounge, and brought along one of our roommates too. I can't remember the last time we've gone out to a bar during the week. It's been that long. It was fun to go to the AC Lounge again. We hadn't gone there in forever. Side note: right outside is where we actually had "the talk" and became official. So we met up with this guy he knew who is also from Argentina, hence why I thought maybe the roommate might want to come along, just in case some Spanish conversations broke out, and I had no clue what was going on.

Tonight we're going to be meeting up with my cousin that lives up in Orange County. I haven't seen him in a few months, and The Argentinian has never met him. He has the cutest little boy. So I'm glad to get to see him and his family too, as well as introduce them to each other.

Viva Las Vegas!

So The Argentinian and I are going to Vegas this weekend. It's his first time, so that should be exciting. We're on a bit of a budget, so we aren't staying right on The Strip, but it looks like it's a super nice hotel that we're staying at. I only wish we could have gotten one of the rooms that has a jacuzzi in it. Not that expensive overall, but since we're only going for one night, no point in wasting a ton of money when we're trying to save up money to help pay for the wedding and stuff like that (i.e. moving around the end of the year, needing new furniture, ect). But, I'm still super excited for the weekend. We (all my girl friends) didn't make it on our annual Vegas trip this year, so it'll be nice to still get to go. I'm a little bummed that I am unable to find the stack of cards I have for getting into clubs free…hopefully I'll be able to find them in the next few days. But I'm not holding my breath. We're going to be meeting up with his mom there. Well, her and her friend. I've not taken a trip to Vegas where parents are involved since I was really young. So I'm not too sure what type of activities we'll partake in.

Meeting the In-Laws

So I met The Argentinian’s mom. The future Mother-In-Law. She’s super nice, and easy going, and easy to get along with. The Argentinian told me that she really likes me, and all of that good stuff, so that’s a relief. I mean, I don’t think a guy’s parent’s have ever hated me or anything, but since we’re getting married, I don’t particularly want her to dislike me. We had dinner a couple times last week, and then this coming week, after she gets back into town, she’ll be staying at the house with us. So, that should be nice. Then, on the 18th, she’s heading back to Argentina. I’m glad that I got a chance to meet at least her before we get married. That would’ve been a little awkward, getting married and never meeting your husband’s family.

Location Hunting

This weekend I went to look at some churches for the wedding. I narrowed it down to two which the Argentinian and I will go back and look at. There is one that I love the outside a lot more (for pictures, ect.). It has beatiful landscaping, a fountain, and just really pretty. The other I love the inside. It has a huge (I think 75 feet tall) window looking out at a garden or something. So we'll see which one we end up picking. Who knows, we might find a completely different one we love.

Sick

For the last few days I've been feeling fairly sick. It started on Saturday night after The Argentinian and I went out for dinner. I was feeling a little achey. Soon enough it was 4 am, and I was in the bathroom throwing up. Several times throughout yesterday. I'm still having to deal with a bit of a fever today, but at least I'm not throwing up anymore. But I hate using up two sick days. At least I can relax.

Inevitable

Well, it had to happen some time. We had our first real fight since getting engaged. I think the air is pretty much cleared by now, but I'm sorry to say I'm still a little upset. It's just exhausting having a fight sometimes.

What's A Girl To Do

So I've just recently begun to dig into this whole wedding planning process. I must admit, I thought it wouldn't be that difficult, but it seems a lot more confusing than I thought it would be. There's so many options. And then you have to take into account that the groom has his opinions on what he would like. Which does not always coincide with what you want. I'm telling you people, it's no walk in the park.

So far the one thing that I planned to have done, and gave a deadline to my parents and the Argentinian, has not been followed. I wanted to try and get the guest list out of the way. Easy enough, one might think. But not when your fiance doesn't seem to have much interest in sitting and doing it, and your parents say they are busy, but will try and get it done. So the only one who finished is me. That's kind of lame. I even sent a little reminder out to the three of them yesterday. Guess it didn't do much good.

We were actually supposed to set the date by this weekend. Though I think we are pretty close to doing that. And I think we'll be able to manage that one. I hope.

The Thing About Engagement Rings

So we've been engaged for about a week and a half now. And, sadly, already my engagement ring is showing some wear and tear on the band. I knew it would probably get a little scratched over time, but that was quick. I guess that's the thing about wearing the same piece of jewelry, which has quite the shine to it, 24/7. That, and of course the fact that I was desp desparate to keep it looking perfect, so of course it did not stay in that condition.

best. day. ever.

On our one year anniversary the Argentinian had a whole day planned for us. We had a lovely breakfast at Cody's in La Jolla before heading down to La Jolla cove to look in the tide pools, as well as lay out on the beach. We layed out for a couple hours before heading up to the Cabrillo National Monument to exchange our gifts. The Argentinian gave me a bottle of perfume (which smells lovely), and I gave him a photo album I had made of our first year together (using iPhoto. totally cool and recommended). After a short trip home to get cleaned up and dressed, we headed back out to La Jolla for dinner at Sante's, a great Italian restaurant. After sharing a delicious dinner together we drove up to Mount Soledad to watch the sunset. Shortly after arriving, as the sun began to go down, he got down on his knee and proposed. I of course said "Yes!"

After that, I had to track my mom down at work to tell her the big news. I didn't exactly know which hospital she works at, so on my third try, I finally got ahold of her. After trying to call my dad (and ending up having to wait to talk to him the next day), I called a few friends, and sent out a mass text message.

All in all, it was really the best, most perfect day. He put so much love, thought, and effort into planning it that really made it a memorable day. It's one I'll never forget my whole life.