Memories

Last night was rather hard. Stumbling across, and then reading, a card from our anniversary (the day he proposed) was difficult. Ever since I've felt like I'm just in this funk. This black cloud hanging over my head. Not that I was fantastic before, but at least I wasn't wanting to cry all the time.

I've managed to not wear my ring all the time. Though I still keep it with me at all times. It hangs around a chain on my neck. I'm not ready to not have it with me. To be completely separated. I still wear it on my finger sometimes at home. My hand feels bare without it.

It's strange. When we first got engaged, it felt weird to wear that ring. Aside from looking at it all the time, I could physically feel the ring on my finger. It felt right to wear it, but I wasn't used to it. Now that I'm not wearing it, I feel bare without it. Now my finger feels odd without the ring on. Today on the way to work I noticed I had accidentally put the ring (not engagement) I was wearing on the same finger as my engagement. My mind's been wired to wear it on my left hand. Now it feels odd to be wearing a ring on my right hand.

Worst. Day. Ever.

It's over. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind. But as of now, it is over. I poured my heart out to him. I fought for him. I did my best. Now there is nothing to do. Nothing but to try and accept it. As much as I want to hope that someday (next week, next month, next year, whenever) he will change his mind, I know I can't live like that. I'll never even heal a little bit with those thoughts. I know I most likely won't ever be completely over this. I know he will ALWAYS be in my heart. He will always be the one that "got away".


He said that it boiled down to the fact that he just wasn't ready to be married. That he just wants time for himself, and to do whatever he wants. And to just spend his time however he wants. This, for those who were wondering, was one of the problems that we were having. I know I was not eactly handling stuff the best, him trying to have a bit more independence. So I held on tighter. So he pulled away more. But he says none of this matters. It's all about him not wanting to get married now. Not anytime soon. Which I felt often. That everyone I talked to and saw the situation felt. So I can't really cry "bullshit" on this one. I can't say that he's probably lying. Cause I've worried this was the case for a while. I can't be mad. I can only be accepting, and trying to get over it. It will be a really long process.

Guess I Spoke To Soon...

All that about how lovely it is to be engaged, I guess it no longer applies to me. Shortly after writing that post (well, a few hours) Fiance came home, and broke off the engagement. All night I've been a wreck. We've been having some issues, which I think I had mentioned earlier. We were making progress, had seen a counselor a handful (maybe 4) of times. Apparently after only those few amounts of sessions with the counselor, he thinks we should be all better. We were getting better. It all feels like some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. When I finally fell asleep earlier in the evening (well, really morning), I woke up consistantly every hour. And each time I woke up I felt such deep sadness, I don't even know how to describe it. Sadness that he hadn't called me. (Did I really think he would?) And even more about the fact that he wasn't lying in bed next to me. Not now, and possibly not ever again. That I would never again cuddle up with him. It makes me feel SO EMPTY inside. I don't think that I would wish this feeling on anyone. To have these dreams and hopes, to think that you have found that person you will be spending your life with and having children with...and then to have it all ripped away. That's just the worst feeling in the world. And waking up every hour and realizing it over and over sure doesn't make it any easier. So now I am awake. It is five in the morning, and I just can't bear to go back to sleep. But I can't bear to lay awake and think how the most important thing in my world, in my life, is leaving. I pray that he will change his mind. I pray that somehow things will all work out. But that makes me feel foolish.

set in stone

Well, I dropped off our deposit yesterday. So we are 100% on that date and location. It's a relief to have at least that part taken care of. It was a long time coming. It all went fairly smoothly, as long as you ignore the fact that the women who was helping me (an elderly volunteer), kept trying to give back the necessary forms we needed to turn in. I felt a bit like an ass saying, "Oh, no, you actually are supposed to keep this. We already have a copy... This one too." Especially with someone so...grandmotherly. Oh well, she didn't seemed bothered. I don't think. I also think (though we haven't signed anything yet) that we have found our caterer as well. Who will also be supplying our tables and chairs. I'm kind of glad we only have a certain list of caterers to choose from (it's a historical house we're getting married at, so they have a pre-approved list for you to get your catering from. you can hire someone else, but it seems a bit of a hassle).

I also may have narrowed it down to two bridesmaid's dresses this past weekend. A bridesmaid of mine came down and tried some on, and we narrowed it down to two or three, but mostly just the two. Now I just need to maybe narrow it down and notify everyone. Look how productive on the wedding front I'm being. Amazing

There is a new addition to our little family. A little baby bunny. It is ADORABLE. Really, it is. I even think The Argentinian thought so. Quite the feat, as he took some convincing before I could bring it home. But I'm glad that he finally gave in. I love it. Besides, it's a small and quiet pet. Why not get one?

hello. remember me?

Wow...I've really just been awful about updating this thing. I partially blame my work, because they sent around this email with their, no joke, blogging policy. So now I'm a little worried to do it there. I should probably just get over it, since I do a number of other things at work I'm not supposed to do.

So a lot has been going on around here. First, I got a promotion at work. So that's exciting. Especially as I had written previously how I needed some sort of change in position, or else I would need to perhaps find another job. Perhaps they read my blog? I hope not. Disasterous.

The Argentinian and I have found a location for our wedding, and thus also have a wedding date. So that is exciting. Next August 10 we will make it official. It is getting me a little bit more excited about the wedding. I've been having some trouble getting into the whole planning excitement for this wedding. Instead I was more just like, "Can we just move on to the marriage part?" So finally booking something (could we have taken any longer? I think not.) helped to make it more real and exciting.

Today one of my bridesmaids is coming down to do some wedding stuff with me. We will be looking at some bridesmaid dresses and seeing if I can find something that I actually like, that isn't crazy expensive. I don't believe in having someone have to buy a dress that is unreasonably price, that they don't even really get to pick. You know?

The Argentinian's mother has come to visit us again. She found a good deal and was able to book it and actually leave like the next day. It's nice to get to spend some more time with her, and getting to know her.

I've also been reconnecting with some old friends lately. For some reason I know all these people that live rather close, but just don't get around to talking or seeing them very often. It really is rather sad, so I am wanting to make more of an effort to maintain those friendships.

Other than that, not much else going on around here.

Meeting the In-Laws

So I met The Argentinian’s mom. The future Mother-In-Law. She’s super nice, and easy going, and easy to get along with. The Argentinian told me that she really likes me, and all of that good stuff, so that’s a relief. I mean, I don’t think a guy’s parent’s have ever hated me or anything, but since we’re getting married, I don’t particularly want her to dislike me. We had dinner a couple times last week, and then this coming week, after she gets back into town, she’ll be staying at the house with us. So, that should be nice. Then, on the 18th, she’s heading back to Argentina. I’m glad that I got a chance to meet at least her before we get married. That would’ve been a little awkward, getting married and never meeting your husband’s family.

Location Hunting

This weekend I went to look at some churches for the wedding. I narrowed it down to two which the Argentinian and I will go back and look at. There is one that I love the outside a lot more (for pictures, ect.). It has beatiful landscaping, a fountain, and just really pretty. The other I love the inside. It has a huge (I think 75 feet tall) window looking out at a garden or something. So we'll see which one we end up picking. Who knows, we might find a completely different one we love.

The Thing About Engagement Rings

So we've been engaged for about a week and a half now. And, sadly, already my engagement ring is showing some wear and tear on the band. I knew it would probably get a little scratched over time, but that was quick. I guess that's the thing about wearing the same piece of jewelry, which has quite the shine to it, 24/7. That, and of course the fact that I was desp desparate to keep it looking perfect, so of course it did not stay in that condition.

best. day. ever.

On our one year anniversary the Argentinian had a whole day planned for us. We had a lovely breakfast at Cody's in La Jolla before heading down to La Jolla cove to look in the tide pools, as well as lay out on the beach. We layed out for a couple hours before heading up to the Cabrillo National Monument to exchange our gifts. The Argentinian gave me a bottle of perfume (which smells lovely), and I gave him a photo album I had made of our first year together (using iPhoto. totally cool and recommended). After a short trip home to get cleaned up and dressed, we headed back out to La Jolla for dinner at Sante's, a great Italian restaurant. After sharing a delicious dinner together we drove up to Mount Soledad to watch the sunset. Shortly after arriving, as the sun began to go down, he got down on his knee and proposed. I of course said "Yes!"

After that, I had to track my mom down at work to tell her the big news. I didn't exactly know which hospital she works at, so on my third try, I finally got ahold of her. After trying to call my dad (and ending up having to wait to talk to him the next day), I called a few friends, and sent out a mass text message.

All in all, it was really the best, most perfect day. He put so much love, thought, and effort into planning it that really made it a memorable day. It's one I'll never forget my whole life.