Here are the pictures I took this morning. Technically at 24 weeks and 2 days.
These last few weeks have been going by so fast. I can't believe it is already September. Penguin will be here before we know it. We're still trying to decide on a name. So far we haven't had much luck with names that we both like. I don't know why boy names are so much harder. Last night I thought I had finally thought of the perfect name, until Argentinian pointed out to me that they (first and middle) were both city names. SO... I feel like I have a first name (well...maybe. it hasn't been agreed upon yet), and we still need a middle name too.
Other news, my mom will be coming to visit us next weekend, which is also my birthday (Friday). So that should be fun. I haven't seen her since the wedding, so it's been a while. So far we're planning to get some stuff for the baby taken care of, which will be nice. I just hope I have the energy for it.
This weekend was pretty fun and relaxing. We went to Argentinian's work lunch thing on Saturday, which was was on the USS Midway. It was kind of interesting, even though I'm not much into military/ships/war history for the most part. After that we spent a lot of the day doing laundry at the laundromat since we (ok....mostly me) had a lot to do. It took us a few hours, but eventually we got everything we took with us done. That night after we were done we must not have done anything of note, because I can't remember what we did. I think just grabbed some dinner, and watched some tv.
Sunday we ended up sleeping in very late, til about noon. After making lunch and lying around the house for a while, Argentinian took me to get some ice cream. Very delicious, especially on a rather hot day like yesterday. After finishing up our ice cream we decided to head over to Babies R Us to pick out some stuff for the baby we wanted. We decided on several things like a crib, stoller, and bedding, among other things. There are so many things that are just so cute. It's hard not to want to buy a million outfits, they are all so cute. So, we got a few things taken care of for the baby, which is good. It feels like the months are quickly slipping by us. Before we know it, he will be here.
This time of year always reminds me of going back to school. I used to love all the shopping that went along with it. New supplies like binders and backpacks, and of course the new clothes. A time when you get to go on a mini shopping spree, and the parents would pay for it. Sigh, those were the days.
So naturally when thinking of the new school year, my mind eventually wanders off to the seasons changing. That's one thing I really miss living down in San Diego. Actual seasons. It's not much in the way of weather variety. Northern California had the perfect amount. It wasn't the extreme weather of living on the east coast or further north, but it was enough to where you had a distinct spring, summer, fall, and winter. In San Diego we kind of fade from winter to summer. And winter is only identified by slightly cooler weather. And maybe rain a couple of times. I miss the changing leaves, and the actual thunderstorms of Sacramento. Not that I'd want snow and stuff like that. But sometimes it's nice to get cozy in the winter with a fire and a good movie or book, cuddling up with that certain someone, and hearing the rain on the roof.
When Argentinian and I have gone up for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas the last couple of years, it's a nice change. It feels more like Christmas when it's cold out. That's a second reason I'm a little bummed this baby is coming on or around Christmas (aside from having to share his birthday with Christmas. Torture for any child). It'll be the first time I don't spend Christmas with my family. Instead I'll be down here in San Diego, and I don't know that any family besides the two of us will be around. That's slightly disappointing. I sometimes secretly (well, it was a secret) hope that the baby will come a tiny bit early (as long as he's healthy), so we can make a trip up there for Christmas. I'd suffer the drive with a newborn. Wow... I really digressed there... Anyway, I always love going back up there in the colder months and getting to see the effects (affects?) of fall and winter.
Major digression: The Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You song just came up on my iPod, and it reminded me of 10 Things I Hate About You, where Heath Ledger sings it. The beginning of thousands of girls developing a crush on him. I know I can't be the only teenage girl who found his charming "bad boy" character...charming. (Where's a thesaurus when you need one?)
Argentinian finally felt Penguin moving around this last weekend. I tried to wake him up Saturday night when Penguin was literally doing somersaults or something in there, and you could not only feel the rolling, but could see it. Very strange. But cool. Anyway, I was unable to rouse him from his deep sleep. But the next morning, after breakfast, I kept Argentinian near me on the couch so he could feel the little guy kicking. He becomes rather active about 10 minutes or so after I eat a meal. So he finally felt a good strong kick from him.
Well, I'm about half way through the pregnancy now. About 19.5 weeks. This is a picture I took a few days ago:
The little guy (Penguin) is definitely moving around in there. His kicks are getting strong enough that I even felt them on the outside over the weekend. Sadly, the Argentinian didn't get to feel them. Whenever he came over to feel Penguin either stopped moving, or kicked too softly that only I could feel it. Hopefully it'll happen soon enough that he can experience that.
We went up to Pasadena this past weekend to hang out with my family. It was quite a group of us, each with significant others. Eight total. Next year, we'll have the baby with us, so it'll be even more of a production. But, I always look forward to this yearly trip. It's a fun thing we started doing. We went to a comedy show on Saturday evening after eating dinner. Once the show was over everyone (sans dad and his girlfriend) went walking around Old Pasadena looking for some food and drinks (non-alcoholic for me obviously). We ended up going to a place called Hot Wings, as that was the only place that wasn't to "sit down restaurant-like" that was still open. One of my brothers ordered a glass of wine, which everyone laughed at. I mean, who goes to a place called Hot Wings, and then drinks wine (along with some french fries)? But we all had fun until we started getting a little tired and headed back to our hotel. Sunday, after breakfast, we went to the shop my dad's girlfriend owns and shopped around for a little bit. It's a cute little shop with little gift type things and books and all of that. Shortly after that, we split up (my brothers with their wife and girlfriend to the airport, us making the drive home) to head back home. My air conditioning in my car decided to break, so it was a pretty hot drive. I was dying during the first part of the drive home. Luckily I fell asleep so that I slept through most of the hot part. When I woke up, we were only about 20 minutes from home. So much cooler down here. But, I still need to get the AC fixed. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the rest of the summer without it.
Well, it's been a month since Argentinian and I have gotten married. And it's going wonderfully. It unfortunately seems our honeymoon will likely be put off for a while longer, as we are expecting a baby (a boy!) at the end of the year, Christmas to be exact, and I think I rather save up my days for that. We can always take a vacation. My father has already offered to watch the little guy when we decide to go on one. Very nice.
So... nothing else besides the big news of a baby to report. We went last Friday for an ultrasound, and everything looks like it's going well. The kid even appears to have a cute profile. We're both very excited, and can't wait to meet him. I am hoping these next five or so months go by quickly. I just want to get to the fun part (though I know it will be tons of work) of actually having the baby here with us.
The Argentinian and I are officially married! I just realized that I never posted anything about that here on this blog. It's tough maintaining two blogs. Let me tell you. I always end up posting more on my anonymous blog since I feel like there's more of a community (or something) there. This poor original blog has been rejected. I feel so ashamed. Anyway... on to the details
Well, the wedding went just wonderfully. We got married downtown at the Westgate hotel, and I would recommend them to anyone wanting to get married in the San Diego area. They were so wonderful and helpful throughout the whole process.
Anyway...I (and the Argentinian) couldn't have imagined a day more perfect. We didn't see each other at all before the ceremony, so it was a complete surprise how each other was going to look. Right before walking down the aisle, while standing outside the doors, holding on to my dad's arm, my heart suddenly started beating so fast. I don't know the last time I felt my heart beat so hard. But by the time I reached the end, and was up there with the Argentinian, any nerves had subsided, and I was just so excited. He looked so handsome. The ceremony was nice, not too long, not too short. We couldn't stop smiling and staring in each other's eyes when we got the chance. The whole night went by so quickly, looking back. What was actually 7 or 8 hours felt like 2 hours. I can't wait to see the pictures. So far we have a few from his sister that she took, and those turned out really nice.
So I haven't been around much lately. A friend died, and that sort of put me in a funk for a while. Then I've just been busy with stuff, and, well, the blog got neglected.
Last night was The Argentinian's birthday party. It was a lot of fun. More enjoyable than the other parties we've gone to, mostly just cause I knew the majority of the people. Or maybe I've just gotten more outgoing at parties, so that I don't mind the unknowns so much. Who knows. But it was a lot of fun. Unfortunately, the cops got called cause of noise I guess. Which, even though I was having a lot of fun, and could've kept having a good time, I was kind of glad that it meant we'd be going to sleep soonish. haha. I'm so old! But it was really fun getting to meet some new people, and seeing some others that I haven't seen in a really long time.
Ugh... I typed up a whole post, and it got deleted. How annoying...
ANYWAY...
I'm moving. I found a new apartment, and I will be moving in on April 19th. Just a week (or a little less) than when I get back from my cruise. I am so excited. It is not only closer to the beach (which is my main reason for moving...I really didn't want to endure the heat of living so far inland. Plus, who doesn't want to live close enough to walk to the beach?), but it is also closer to work, and close to the Argentinian. We could walk to each other's houses. So, even though it's more expensive than where I live now, I will probably be saving a fair amount of money on gas since the places I go most are going to be much closer. Plus, I think the extra money is totally worth it to have a place I can call my own, roommate free. I've just really been craving having a place that is just mine, and I can do and decorate it as I please. Very exciting. I'll try to post some pictures once I get everything all settled and all. Just a month away. I can't wait!
Well, kind of a lot has been going on. Which is partly why I haven't been updating very regularly (like I said I would be). So...here's what's new...
Biggest news...the Argentinian and I have gotten back together. Not engaged back together, but, dating back together. I'm sitting on his bed as I type this, and he is learning a song on the guitar that I like. Very sweet. Anyway...we've been slowly seeing each other over the last few weeks, talking, slowly ramping up to the official boyfriend/girlfriend status. I couldn't be happier. So if you have something negative to say, I'd prefer you keep it to yourself. I know I'm taking a risk. And I know I could end up getting hurt again. But, I don't care. I think that things will turn out much differently this time around. Already things are so great.
Lesser news...I am taking on some new stuff at work. This is good since I have been having way too much time on my hands the past couple months. But at the same time it makes me a little nervous since some of this is stuff I'll be managing all on my own, which is something new for me. So, scary and exciting all at the same time.
The cruise is coming up pretty fast. Just about four weeks from now. I am SO looking forward to that. I just wish the Argentinian was coming with me. But, I know I will still enjoy it. How can you not enjoy spending a week in the Caribbean?
Hmm... well, I think that's about it that I have to say for now.
So I haven't posted here in forever. I started blogging over at Vox, and so I ended up neglecting this blog. Sorry. But I am alive. And doing rather well, despite what the last few posts are about. I'm happy. I'm moving on with my life.
Let's see...how can I best summarize what I've been up to. I've been going out tons. I went home for Christmas/New Years. Since getting back I've decided not to go out quite so much due to various reasons. I decided I needed to cut back on all of that, cause it wasn't the smartest/healthiest thing to do.
The Argentinian briefly wanted to get back together. Then didn't. All in the matter of a few days. Oh well. Considering I had already been feeling happy without him, it was easy to keep on feeling happy without him. I have kind of given up trying to figure out what will ever happen between us. And I no longer worry whether or not we will get back together. I know either way I will end up being happy.
I'm going on a cruise with some of my friends in April. I'm extremely excited about that. I haven't gone on a real vacation in years it seems like. So, this is very much needed.
I got promoted at work, which I don't know if I mentioned before. I probably did.
I am going up to Sacramento next weekend. I am looking forward to that as well.
Well, that's all I can think of, though obviously a ton of other stuff has happened. Some I just don't to post here since everyone I know in real life has this blog address, and that is partly why I started posting over at Vox. Some anonymity. But I promise I'm going to be posting here a lot more often from now on.
Well, the holidays are almost here. Practically the Holiday Season, within the next few weeks, I suppose. This is always my favorite time of the year. But this year? Not looking forward to it so much. Why? Because he will not be there. Being alone on during the holiday season has never been a particular problem of mine. Less gifts to buy, which in turn means more money saved. I barely manage to get through the gift buying as it is. Not that it's about the money. But with family and friends around, it doesn't usually bother me that I don't have that Special Someone there with me. But this year I'm already dreading it. I already feel that slightly heavier loneliness. We won't be driving up to my mom's house together. We had such fantastic talks during those drives. About the future. How we wanted to raise children. Our dreams. We won't be doing that next year. No spending New Year's Eve together, and having that first kiss of the year. All these things that I just assumed that we'd be doing every year for the rest of our lives, we aren't going to be doing. And all of that has me just not looking forward to this upcoming holiday season. Cause I know that I'm going to just end up thinking about him so much. It happened during Halloween, so why not these more significant holidays?
(Sorry this post sounds like such a downer. I swear I'm trying to post more positive stuff from now on. Part of the healing process or something: not so much focusing on the negative.)
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Last night, for the first time since this whole break up ordeal, I laughed. A real, genuine laugh. For the span of a few hours, some old friends were able to take my mind truly off the whole reason I came home for the weekend to begin with. Sure, today it's back to feeling sad, and missing him. It's hard to deal with the fact that I think this is now officially the longest I've ever gone without seeing him since we met. It's hard to deal with all of this. But for a brief, fleeting amount of time, I was able to take my mind off of it. To laugh. To feel happy. For that, I am grateful.
At some point this afternoon the cloud that had been hanging over me the whole evening before, and the day so far, had lifted. It felt like this feeling of peace, of calm, came over me. I'm not sure why. But I suddenly felt like everything was going to be ok. Not in a "Don't worry, you'll find someone" way. But in a "Don't worry. Things will work out between you two. Just focus on better-ing yourself, and it will all work out". I know that this could all be some cruel joke. But I really don't think so. I really hope it isn't. I feel like if I'm just patient enough, and that I give him the time he needs, that things will work out eventually. This may prove foolish. But for now, I'm holding onto this feeling. This feeling of peace or calm is nice. I've really been praying about this, and thinking about this a lot. So I think things will be ok. I still know I can't count on it 100%, but this feeling for now makes me...happy. Happy to feel content that this is just a little bump in the road. So just don't rain on my parade, no matter how naive it seems.
Last night was rather hard. Stumbling across, and then reading, a card from our anniversary (the day he proposed) was difficult. Ever since I've felt like I'm just in this funk. This black cloud hanging over my head. Not that I was fantastic before, but at least I wasn't wanting to cry all the time.
I've managed to not wear my ring all the time. Though I still keep it with me at all times. It hangs around a chain on my neck. I'm not ready to not have it with me. To be completely separated. I still wear it on my finger sometimes at home. My hand feels bare without it.
It's strange. When we first got engaged, it felt weird to wear that ring. Aside from looking at it all the time, I could physically feel the ring on my finger. It felt right to wear it, but I wasn't used to it. Now that I'm not wearing it, I feel bare without it. Now my finger feels odd without the ring on. Today on the way to work I noticed I had accidentally put the ring (not engagement) I was wearing on the same finger as my engagement. My mind's been wired to wear it on my left hand. Now it feels odd to be wearing a ring on my right hand.
The last few days have, obviously, been difficult. I went up to a friend's house on Saturday, after saying by to him while moving his stuff out. It was very hard, saying goodbye. I still love him dearly, and I still hope that he will eventually change his mind. I spoke with him on Sunday evening. I had called him cause he had called a friend of mine. I was wondering why. He had apparently told my friend how wonderful I was, and that I'd find someone great someday. I told him how I had already found someone great. Him. That he is the one I wanted to be with. Even if we never got married, as long as I could be with him, that is what I wanted. Even if we were just dating now, and not engaged, to be with him. He said, "Just give me time." So that gave me a little bit of hope. But he also said eventually I'd be ok. So I am obviously trying to not get my hopes up about anything. I don't want to think we'll be getting back together when he has no plans to ever do so.
Do you know what one of the hardest things is? Sleeping in an empty bed. When we first started spending the night with each other, I used to not sleep so well. He was a close sleeper. Cuddling. I was not used to that. But then as time went on, especially when we started living together, it became hard to sleep alone. When I'd go home for the weekend, or something like that, it would take me a while to fall asleep. I find myself cuddling up with pillows to make it easier. But my sleep still isn't the same. I miss having that person in the bed with me. It makes me feel...so alone.
Today so far has been both extremely hard, yet a little better in the crying department. I've started to tell some people, now that I'm fairly certain it is over. I feel so...empty. So blank. I don't get pleasure out of anything. I can't find anything I feel like doing. TV does not hold my interest, no matter what I find is on. Reading through some blogs on the internet does not help either. Nothing does.
Today he will finish getting all of his things. I know it's masochistic or something, but I would like to be here. I would like to see him just one more time, even if it is just for a few minutes. I do not know when I will see him again. Weeks, months, who knows? I know I hope that things will change. That we can go back to at least dating. But I don't know. I don't at this point have much faith in that, as much as I hope it happens. I obviously can't force anything. Just pray that what is best happens. I truly believe being with him is what is best, what is meant to be. It is especially hard because we are not breaking up under any bad conditions. We still care enormously for one another. Still love each other. So I can't just call him a jerk or something and be angry, and get over it. Instead I just sit and wonder what my life will be like without him. Which brings me back to feeling so empty. Everywhere, there are memories of him. Even my room, since we lived together. There is not many places that I will be able to go that will not have some memory of him, or of us. That kind of sucks, quite frankly.
I just want to thank all my friends and family, who have so far been so fabulous to me. So caring, and so kind. Though ultimately I am the one who has to deal with this, and get through it, knowing that you all are there for me helps. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps to know that I have you to lean on. You to call up and cry to. To drive 2 hours round to come pick me up and take me back to your house so I won't have to drive myself while being so upset, so I won't be in this empty room tonight, all alone. Noticing the absence of his things.
It's over. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind. But as of now, it is over. I poured my heart out to him. I fought for him. I did my best. Now there is nothing to do. Nothing but to try and accept it. As much as I want to hope that someday (next week, next month, next year, whenever) he will change his mind, I know I can't live like that. I'll never even heal a little bit with those thoughts. I know I most likely won't ever be completely over this. I know he will ALWAYS be in my heart. He will always be the one that "got away".
He said that it boiled down to the fact that he just wasn't ready to be married. That he just wants time for himself, and to do whatever he wants. And to just spend his time however he wants. This, for those who were wondering, was one of the problems that we were having. I know I was not eactly handling stuff the best, him trying to have a bit more independence. So I held on tighter. So he pulled away more. But he says none of this matters. It's all about him not wanting to get married now. Not anytime soon. Which I felt often. That everyone I talked to and saw the situation felt. So I can't really cry "bullshit" on this one. I can't say that he's probably lying. Cause I've worried this was the case for a while. I can't be mad. I can only be accepting, and trying to get over it. It will be a really long process.
All that about how lovely it is to be engaged, I guess it no longer applies to me. Shortly after writing that post (well, a few hours) Fiance came home, and broke off the engagement. All night I've been a wreck. We've been having some issues, which I think I had mentioned earlier. We were making progress, had seen a counselor a handful (maybe 4) of times. Apparently after only those few amounts of sessions with the counselor, he thinks we should be all better. We were getting better. It all feels like some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. When I finally fell asleep earlier in the evening (well, really morning), I woke up consistantly every hour. And each time I woke up I felt such deep sadness, I don't even know how to describe it. Sadness that he hadn't called me. (Did I really think he would?) And even more about the fact that he wasn't lying in bed next to me. Not now, and possibly not ever again. That I would never again cuddle up with him. It makes me feel SO EMPTY inside. I don't think that I would wish this feeling on anyone. To have these dreams and hopes, to think that you have found that person you will be spending your life with and having children with...and then to have it all ripped away. That's just the worst feeling in the world. And waking up every hour and realizing it over and over sure doesn't make it any easier. So now I am awake. It is five in the morning, and I just can't bear to go back to sleep. But I can't bear to lay awake and think how the most important thing in my world, in my life, is leaving. I pray that he will change his mind. I pray that somehow things will all work out. But that makes me feel foolish.
I was at a discount store today (Dollar Store...be quiet! Everything is so cheap there!), and the girl who was working the check-out must have noticed my engagement ring. "That's so pretty!" she said. It made me smile. It's not often a complete stranger compliments you on something like that. Friends, family, of course. Plus, they kind of have to say it is pretty. They'd come off like asses if they didn't. So it was kind of nice, and reassuring, when this unexpected compliment came today. But what she said next was even better. "That's so special. I hope it all goes really well for you." (speaking of my engagement, and then marriage, obviously) And I thought, you know what, it is special. Lately I think I've gotten caught up in so many things, which aren't necessarily positive, like work, and the planning, and the are-we-really-fighting-about-this-again? that I sort of lost sight of how special it is that I've found this amazing person that not only do I want to spend my life with him, but he wants to spend his with me. It's amazing. It's fabulous. Not everyone finds that person. So we are lucky to have found each other. Especially factoring that we literally come from opposite sides of the Earth (me - northern hemisphere, him - southern), and still managed to meet.
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