Last night, for the first time since this whole break up ordeal, I laughed. A real, genuine laugh. For the span of a few hours, some old friends were able to take my mind truly off the whole reason I came home for the weekend to begin with. Sure, today it's back to feeling sad, and missing him. It's hard to deal with the fact that I think this is now officially the longest I've ever gone without seeing him since we met. It's hard to deal with all of this. But for a brief, fleeting amount of time, I was able to take my mind off of it. To laugh. To feel happy. For that, I am grateful.

A Feeling of Calm

At some point this afternoon the cloud that had been hanging over me the whole evening before, and the day so far, had lifted. It felt like this feeling of peace, of calm, came over me. I'm not sure why. But I suddenly felt like everything was going to be ok. Not in a "Don't worry, you'll find someone" way. But in a "Don't worry. Things will work out between you two. Just focus on better-ing yourself, and it will all work out". I know that this could all be some cruel joke. But I really don't think so. I really hope it isn't. I feel like if I'm just patient enough, and that I give him the time he needs, that things will work out eventually. This may prove foolish. But for now, I'm holding onto this feeling. This feeling of peace or calm is nice. I've really been praying about this, and thinking about this a lot. So I think things will be ok. I still know I can't count on it 100%, but this feeling for now makes me...happy. Happy to feel content that this is just a little bump in the road. So just don't rain on my parade, no matter how naive it seems.

Memories

Last night was rather hard. Stumbling across, and then reading, a card from our anniversary (the day he proposed) was difficult. Ever since I've felt like I'm just in this funk. This black cloud hanging over my head. Not that I was fantastic before, but at least I wasn't wanting to cry all the time.

I've managed to not wear my ring all the time. Though I still keep it with me at all times. It hangs around a chain on my neck. I'm not ready to not have it with me. To be completely separated. I still wear it on my finger sometimes at home. My hand feels bare without it.

It's strange. When we first got engaged, it felt weird to wear that ring. Aside from looking at it all the time, I could physically feel the ring on my finger. It felt right to wear it, but I wasn't used to it. Now that I'm not wearing it, I feel bare without it. Now my finger feels odd without the ring on. Today on the way to work I noticed I had accidentally put the ring (not engagement) I was wearing on the same finger as my engagement. My mind's been wired to wear it on my left hand. Now it feels odd to be wearing a ring on my right hand.

Life As I Know It

The last few days have, obviously, been difficult. I went up to a friend's house on Saturday, after saying by to him while moving his stuff out. It was very hard, saying goodbye. I still love him dearly, and I still hope that he will eventually change his mind. I spoke with him on Sunday evening. I had called him cause he had called a friend of mine. I was wondering why. He had apparently told my friend how wonderful I was, and that I'd find someone great someday. I told him how I had already found someone great. Him. That he is the one I wanted to be with. Even if we never got married, as long as I could be with him, that is what I wanted. Even if we were just dating now, and not engaged, to be with him. He said, "Just give me time." So that gave me a little bit of hope. But he also said eventually I'd be ok. So I am obviously trying to not get my hopes up about anything. I don't want to think we'll be getting back together when he has no plans to ever do so.


Do you know what one of the hardest things is? Sleeping in an empty bed. When we first started spending the night with each other, I used to not sleep so well. He was a close sleeper. Cuddling. I was not used to that. But then as time went on, especially when we started living together, it became hard to sleep alone. When I'd go home for the weekend, or something like that, it would take me a while to fall asleep. I find myself cuddling up with pillows to make it easier. But my sleep still isn't the same. I miss having that person in the bed with me. It makes me feel...so alone.

Blank and Empty

Today so far has been both extremely hard, yet a little better in the crying department. I've started to tell some people, now that I'm fairly certain it is over. I feel so...empty. So blank. I don't get pleasure out of anything. I can't find anything I feel like doing. TV does not hold my interest, no matter what I find is on. Reading through some blogs on the internet does not help either. Nothing does.

Today he will finish getting all of his things. I know it's masochistic or something, but I would like to be here. I would like to see him just one more time, even if it is just for a few minutes. I do not know when I will see him again. Weeks, months, who knows? I know I hope that things will change. That we can go back to at least dating. But I don't know. I don't at this point have much faith in that, as much as I hope it happens. I obviously can't force anything. Just pray that what is best happens. I truly believe being with him is what is best, what is meant to be. It is especially hard because we are not breaking up under any bad conditions. We still care enormously for one another. Still love each other. So I can't just call him a jerk or something and be angry, and get over it. Instead I just sit and wonder what my life will be like without him. Which brings me back to feeling so empty. Everywhere, there are memories of him. Even my room, since we lived together. There is not many places that I will be able to go that will not have some memory of him, or of us. That kind of sucks, quite frankly.

I just want to thank all my friends and family, who have so far been so fabulous to me. So caring, and so kind. Though ultimately I am the one who has to deal with this, and get through it, knowing that you all are there for me helps. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps to know that I have you to lean on. You to call up and cry to. To drive 2 hours round to come pick me up and take me back to your house so I won't have to drive myself while being so upset, so I won't be in this empty room tonight, all alone. Noticing the absence of his things.

Worst. Day. Ever.

It's over. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind. But as of now, it is over. I poured my heart out to him. I fought for him. I did my best. Now there is nothing to do. Nothing but to try and accept it. As much as I want to hope that someday (next week, next month, next year, whenever) he will change his mind, I know I can't live like that. I'll never even heal a little bit with those thoughts. I know I most likely won't ever be completely over this. I know he will ALWAYS be in my heart. He will always be the one that "got away".


He said that it boiled down to the fact that he just wasn't ready to be married. That he just wants time for himself, and to do whatever he wants. And to just spend his time however he wants. This, for those who were wondering, was one of the problems that we were having. I know I was not eactly handling stuff the best, him trying to have a bit more independence. So I held on tighter. So he pulled away more. But he says none of this matters. It's all about him not wanting to get married now. Not anytime soon. Which I felt often. That everyone I talked to and saw the situation felt. So I can't really cry "bullshit" on this one. I can't say that he's probably lying. Cause I've worried this was the case for a while. I can't be mad. I can only be accepting, and trying to get over it. It will be a really long process.

Guess I Spoke To Soon...

All that about how lovely it is to be engaged, I guess it no longer applies to me. Shortly after writing that post (well, a few hours) Fiance came home, and broke off the engagement. All night I've been a wreck. We've been having some issues, which I think I had mentioned earlier. We were making progress, had seen a counselor a handful (maybe 4) of times. Apparently after only those few amounts of sessions with the counselor, he thinks we should be all better. We were getting better. It all feels like some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. When I finally fell asleep earlier in the evening (well, really morning), I woke up consistantly every hour. And each time I woke up I felt such deep sadness, I don't even know how to describe it. Sadness that he hadn't called me. (Did I really think he would?) And even more about the fact that he wasn't lying in bed next to me. Not now, and possibly not ever again. That I would never again cuddle up with him. It makes me feel SO EMPTY inside. I don't think that I would wish this feeling on anyone. To have these dreams and hopes, to think that you have found that person you will be spending your life with and having children with...and then to have it all ripped away. That's just the worst feeling in the world. And waking up every hour and realizing it over and over sure doesn't make it any easier. So now I am awake. It is five in the morning, and I just can't bear to go back to sleep. But I can't bear to lay awake and think how the most important thing in my world, in my life, is leaving. I pray that he will change his mind. I pray that somehow things will all work out. But that makes me feel foolish.